You hear a lot about "pregnancy brain", when moms-to-be become forgetful and unable to concentrate, but in my case this affliction had stuck around, flourished and turned into "post-kid brain". I forget things, mishandle schedules, payments, forget new purple water bottles at the gym, purses at grocery stores, you name it! This last thing, however, had topped everything that happened before it:
I have poor eyesight and wear contact lenses and glasses. I take my contacts out every night and keep
them in a pretty pink and green case that I firmly close if my contact lenses are chilling in there. That's the routine: If the lid is closed, the contacts are home.
One morning amids usual early zaiki-hassle I looked over at the lens case, found it closed, and didn't have time to put the lenses in. "I'll just wear glasses today" I said to myself. By the time the kids were loaded in, buckled, and we were on the highway I realized I forgot my glasses, but I can see ok. Plus, I know my route and don't really need to watch out for unfamiliar markers/signs, so not a biggie. Ok, zaiki dropped off, I rushed back home since I was working from home that day. Get back, put my glasses on, and my vision gets all fuzzy. Take the glasses off- vision all clear. Put back on - fuzzy. I did this, like a doofus, about 5 times: on-fuzzy, off-clear. Then I looked around and I COULD SEE!!!! The strong black woman who lives in my head did her "Alleluia! Praise Jesus!" song, and I happily called my husband to let him know I got my eyesight back. He was skeptical, but the evidence was there: I could see the TV, the digital clock on the coffeemaker, the leaves outside. It was magical.
So I went on about my day. By the afternoon I developed a headache and started to get suspicious. (You can tell where this is going, right?). Then I finally realized I don't remember taking my contacts out a night before, looked in the mirror and saw a tell-tale bluish rings around my irises. What threw me off was the closed lens case: I'm such a creature of habit. Well, that and the stupid kids who make me unable to think straight in the morning. So had to call husband in shame.
Now I'm wondering what's next: leaving a kid at a store? Showing up for work in slippers? Stay tuned...
Monday, May 6, 2013
Thursday, May 2, 2013
on becoming "THAT" person
It's been really a while since I wrote anything here. But I still like to check and scribble something in periodically just for my own amusement, my ambitions of joining the ranks of mommy bloggers fizzled gone along with my hopes for promotion and a meaningful raise at my place of employment.
So, what have we been up to? Not much and yet so much...The year flew by, summer is almost here. The girls will be 4 in June, and they are almost reading!! Reading!!! They like their school, and we like it too. The prices for childcare in this country are still appauling, but since I chose it as my home, I have to reap the consequences of my decision.
We got the girls baptized, I found a nice Russian Orthodox community, and I'm enjoying going to church with the girls. My mother is coming for the summer to zaiki-sit, so it'll be a nice relaxing (hopefully) time.
This year does not only mark positive changes, but new challenges, financial and personal. On the financial side, we are barely holding our heads above the water, but found a solution to this perpetual problem, so I guess that's good.
Personal challenges are more difficult to solve. I've always been a person who likes to be good, to do things the right way:to show up on time, do your homework, sit in the front of the classroom, that kind of deal. Over the course of this year, however, I have been slowly morphing into a person I don't recognize and don't like: I'm always late, I don't pay attention, I. JUST. DON'T. CARE. About anything. I've become so tired of struggling, forcing schedules, forcing friendships (on that in a bit), that I don't want to get up in the morning. So I became "THAT" person, you know, who everyone looks at, kinda crinkles their nose and exchanges meaningful glances with people next to them. You know the type: unhappy, quiet, distracted, harried mouse.
I haven't painted in a at least 6 months and I can't sleep without pills. I force myself to go to the gym mainly to offset crap I'm eating because I'm constantly, perpetually stressed.
At times like this a girl needs some friends. I'm lucky I have them, but in the past year it had become crystal clear who is a friend and who isn't. There is this one person who I've tried to be friends with. At first, we kinda clicked, and then it gradually became one-sided: I would call, I would invite...Almost never a reply, or "my phone was somewhere and I didn't get to it in time" excuse two days later. It didn't matter if I invited them to go to the park or my house, there's almost always a "we'll see"...And I felt so left out, wondering what was wrong with me, why am I being excluded? So I eagerly jumped each rare time we were so graciously invited in return.
One small positive side of having kids is the expansion of social circle. I became friends with some very cool like-minded people that I no longer cared about the one who repeatedly snubbed me. I also realized something: frienships shouldn't be forced. If you don't want to see someone, then just say "no, I can't". What really pissed me off were always bullshit excuses, "let's-do-this-some-other-time- call-me-laters". It's dishonest and misleading. Much like dating. I stopped calling and inviting. I chose to communicate with people who enjoy my company. As my wise Husband put it "being friends with someone shouldn't make you feel bad", and he is right, as almost always. Life is so much like high school. Oh wait, is it the other way around? :)
So back to becoming "THAT" person. In addition to my much internalized friendship drama, I had an unpleasant conversation at my place of employment about my tardiness, and that somewhat snapped me out of my haze. So, as usual, I'm pulling myself by my lazy self-loathing bottom, buckling up and making sure my rigid schedule sticks. So far, so good (it's been a few weeks, wait for the update in a month or so). :P
So, what have we been up to? Not much and yet so much...The year flew by, summer is almost here. The girls will be 4 in June, and they are almost reading!! Reading!!! They like their school, and we like it too. The prices for childcare in this country are still appauling, but since I chose it as my home, I have to reap the consequences of my decision.
We got the girls baptized, I found a nice Russian Orthodox community, and I'm enjoying going to church with the girls. My mother is coming for the summer to zaiki-sit, so it'll be a nice relaxing (hopefully) time.
This year does not only mark positive changes, but new challenges, financial and personal. On the financial side, we are barely holding our heads above the water, but found a solution to this perpetual problem, so I guess that's good.
Personal challenges are more difficult to solve. I've always been a person who likes to be good, to do things the right way:to show up on time, do your homework, sit in the front of the classroom, that kind of deal. Over the course of this year, however, I have been slowly morphing into a person I don't recognize and don't like: I'm always late, I don't pay attention, I. JUST. DON'T. CARE. About anything. I've become so tired of struggling, forcing schedules, forcing friendships (on that in a bit), that I don't want to get up in the morning. So I became "THAT" person, you know, who everyone looks at, kinda crinkles their nose and exchanges meaningful glances with people next to them. You know the type: unhappy, quiet, distracted, harried mouse.
I haven't painted in a at least 6 months and I can't sleep without pills. I force myself to go to the gym mainly to offset crap I'm eating because I'm constantly, perpetually stressed.
At times like this a girl needs some friends. I'm lucky I have them, but in the past year it had become crystal clear who is a friend and who isn't. There is this one person who I've tried to be friends with. At first, we kinda clicked, and then it gradually became one-sided: I would call, I would invite...Almost never a reply, or "my phone was somewhere and I didn't get to it in time" excuse two days later. It didn't matter if I invited them to go to the park or my house, there's almost always a "we'll see"...And I felt so left out, wondering what was wrong with me, why am I being excluded? So I eagerly jumped each rare time we were so graciously invited in return.
One small positive side of having kids is the expansion of social circle. I became friends with some very cool like-minded people that I no longer cared about the one who repeatedly snubbed me. I also realized something: frienships shouldn't be forced. If you don't want to see someone, then just say "no, I can't". What really pissed me off were always bullshit excuses, "let's-do-this-some-other-time- call-me-laters". It's dishonest and misleading. Much like dating. I stopped calling and inviting. I chose to communicate with people who enjoy my company. As my wise Husband put it "being friends with someone shouldn't make you feel bad", and he is right, as almost always. Life is so much like high school. Oh wait, is it the other way around? :)
So back to becoming "THAT" person. In addition to my much internalized friendship drama, I had an unpleasant conversation at my place of employment about my tardiness, and that somewhat snapped me out of my haze. So, as usual, I'm pulling myself by my lazy self-loathing bottom, buckling up and making sure my rigid schedule sticks. So far, so good (it's been a few weeks, wait for the update in a month or so). :P
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Missed opportunities
I get all these funny crazy good blog post ideas late at night when I'm fixing zaiki's lunch for the next day or cleaning the kitchen. By then I am usually pooped and the idea of staring into a computer screen for another second makes me want to throw up. But I cannot allow my mind scramble brilliant thoughts to remain undocumented. So I came up with a very clever idea to have a list of "missed blogging opportunities" to be eventually maybe expanded into witty posts that might win me a book deal (HA!):
1. Vacation->Staycation->Sickcation. This was supposed to be about our past Christmas. We had the flu the whole Christmas/New Year break, and Husband and I came up with "sickcation" - it's a step down from a staycation (when you take time off, stay home and do day trips to save money) which is a step down from a vacation (when you go away from home somewhere nice). Occurs when you take time off in anticipation of a holiday/spending time with family and then your children spread a death virus that causes you to have days of fever and hallucinate about "30 Rock" cast.
2. Americanization of workplace. More on this later. Has to do with gender expectations in America and how work is very much like high school.
3. When babaika comes a-knocking. An imaginary monster that lives in a fire (or Wegmans, depends on who you ask), steals toys and misplaces hats, especially Sonya's.
4. Russians in America. Turns out, I know a lot of Russians here, especially with kids zaiki's age. As a social scientist that I am, I have a need to categorize things and thus divided the Russians I know into several groups: Full-Fledged Russians, Old-School Proud Russians, Reluctant Russians, Non-Russian Russians and Obnoxiously Arrogant Wealthy Russians. (I used the word Russian 11 times in this paragraph). :)
These are all I can remember. I know there were more and I'm sure that tonight, when I am putting together lunch for the girls, the rest of post ideas will come and flood my poor overtired brain. By then it'll be too late, as usual, and I'll put it off till another time. And so the cicle will continue. :)
1. Vacation->Staycation->Sickcation. This was supposed to be about our past Christmas. We had the flu the whole Christmas/New Year break, and Husband and I came up with "sickcation" - it's a step down from a staycation (when you take time off, stay home and do day trips to save money) which is a step down from a vacation (when you go away from home somewhere nice). Occurs when you take time off in anticipation of a holiday/spending time with family and then your children spread a death virus that causes you to have days of fever and hallucinate about "30 Rock" cast.
2. Americanization of workplace. More on this later. Has to do with gender expectations in America and how work is very much like high school.
3. When babaika comes a-knocking. An imaginary monster that lives in a fire (or Wegmans, depends on who you ask), steals toys and misplaces hats, especially Sonya's.
4. Russians in America. Turns out, I know a lot of Russians here, especially with kids zaiki's age. As a social scientist that I am, I have a need to categorize things and thus divided the Russians I know into several groups: Full-Fledged Russians, Old-School Proud Russians, Reluctant Russians, Non-Russian Russians and Obnoxiously Arrogant Wealthy Russians. (I used the word Russian 11 times in this paragraph). :)
These are all I can remember. I know there were more and I'm sure that tonight, when I am putting together lunch for the girls, the rest of post ideas will come and flood my poor overtired brain. By then it'll be too late, as usual, and I'll put it off till another time. And so the cicle will continue. :)
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Like everyone in this country, I am struggling to understand the events in CT. Like the rest of the country (perhaps the world) I am angry at the senseless loss of life, at the randomness of it. At least with Columbine, I could understand the motive - bullied teens with anger directed at their peers. But this I simply do not get.
Like the rest of the world, I read media reports (which are mostly useless) and try to comprehend what happened. Along with anger and sadness there are some really bizarre ones (like Mike Huckabee), but hey, at least he is a consistent nut job.
The tragedy really opened the flood gates to talk about things like mental illness and of course gun control. While guns and the right to bear arms has always been a hot topic, the mental illness is something people normally don't discuss. It's a red-headed stepchild of uncomfortable topics, but the lack of structure and support for parents of mentally ill children needs to be discussed and addressed.
My mother had a perspective on the shooting which I didn't think about: "at least he killed his mother first, so she wouldn't have to deal the aftermath of his actions". Along these lines, in my travels on the Interwebs I came across this very honest and painful blog entry. Read it - really puts in perspective what it is like to have no one to turn to, and no way to improve a really frightening situation. But, along with support for speaking out (which, IMHO, should have been unanimous) there are some really nasty responses to this. I applaud this lady's honesty.
My heart really goes out to the parents, the teachers, the students. All these poor, poor little babies.
Like the rest of the world, I read media reports (which are mostly useless) and try to comprehend what happened. Along with anger and sadness there are some really bizarre ones (like Mike Huckabee), but hey, at least he is a consistent nut job.
The tragedy really opened the flood gates to talk about things like mental illness and of course gun control. While guns and the right to bear arms has always been a hot topic, the mental illness is something people normally don't discuss. It's a red-headed stepchild of uncomfortable topics, but the lack of structure and support for parents of mentally ill children needs to be discussed and addressed.
My mother had a perspective on the shooting which I didn't think about: "at least he killed his mother first, so she wouldn't have to deal the aftermath of his actions". Along these lines, in my travels on the Interwebs I came across this very honest and painful blog entry. Read it - really puts in perspective what it is like to have no one to turn to, and no way to improve a really frightening situation. But, along with support for speaking out (which, IMHO, should have been unanimous) there are some really nasty responses to this. I applaud this lady's honesty.
My heart really goes out to the parents, the teachers, the students. All these poor, poor little babies.
Monday, December 17, 2012
"Oh Castle!! Yes, that's what I meant, Castle!!"
It's been a while. I stopped writing here because it didn't feel fun anymore. And I needed a breaka after all kinds of changes with routines, babysitters, etc. I simply didn't feel like writing or thinking. So I took a break. And now I'm back.
One main sucky change in zaiki's schedule is the commute. Before, we walked home from the sitter, she was literally a block away. Now I sit in traffic with them for forty minutes each night on the way home from their new preschool. Which brings me to today's main topic: swearing in front of very bright, curious children with excellent memory.
I was driving them home last night in the aforementioned traffic, when sometwat strong, no doubt highly intelligent woman changed lanes right into me. I have very low tolerance for bad drivers, especially bad women drivers, as last year I was in a pretty bad car accident caused by a member of this category. So this time, with babies in the car, I swerved onto the shoulder before she could crash into me. Bags were flying, babies were crying, and I.., well, I was cursing: "YOU F-ING A-HOLE!" and followed that with the New Jersey salut. Forgetting about the curious minds in the back seat. Fortunately, distracted by flying objects in the car, honking and music, they thought I said "Flipping Castle"...Yes, yes, my girls, that's exactly what I said. Giggle.
One main sucky change in zaiki's schedule is the commute. Before, we walked home from the sitter, she was literally a block away. Now I sit in traffic with them for forty minutes each night on the way home from their new preschool. Which brings me to today's main topic: swearing in front of very bright, curious children with excellent memory.
I was driving them home last night in the aforementioned traffic, when some
Monday, September 24, 2012
Post-vacation blues
This is my favorite time of the year: golden, sunny Indian summer. I love everything about this time of year: the fresh crispness of air, the pumpkinness of assorted beverages, the apple cider, the hay rides. Halloween, of course! We usually go on a little vacation in September, and I love that as well. What I don't love is coming back from the said vacation and finding out that we have no more childcare.
Yep, our beloved babysitter/nanny quit on us. Granted, there is a very good reason and that's why there's almost no cursing in this post, but still. I'm a "little frantic". We were given a one-week notice. ONE WEEK!!!! WHAATTT???One week isn't even long enough to find a reliable landscaper, forget about someone to watch your children. So I'm very very very very upset, hurt and a feel a wee bit betrayed. Had we known this was coming, we most likely would not have gone away. But we didn't, and this is what we did during our blissfully stress-free week:
We went to Virginia Beach and stayed in a really nice place with two heated pools and hot tubs, dubbed "japuzzies" by zaiki. We learned to swim (a little bit) and to put our heads under water. We learned that Maya is terrified of the ocean and that Sonya is virtually fearless. We learned that clams are super yummy and that fighter jets flying over your head every 10 minutes for a week is difficult to get used to.
The place we stayed was super nice, clean and accommodating. One crucial mistake we made was to get a one-bedroom condo. We decided that the kids will sleep in the bedroom and we will take a pull-out bed in the living room to have access to the balcony/kitchen/TV/adult stuff. We should have known that "pull-out bed" is a hotelier slang term for "muahaha-your-back-will-be-ruined-bed", or maybe for "Chinese torture instrument bed". After a few nights we gave up, realized that, if we keep sleeping on it, no "adult stuff" will happen in the foreseeable future due to pinched nerves in the back, and decided to share the king size bed with zaiki, who look deceptively snugly and sweet when they are asleep. That was another fatal mistake. Have you ever been repeatedly kicked by a very young, robust and stubborn donkey? No? I think that after two nights sleeping next to Maya I can approximate what that feels like. The child is like a hot, hard little lump of sharp edges. To add to that, Sonya kept having night terrors, which meant she'd periodically start screaming "my cookies" and trying to crawl away somewhere, punching and kicking. And she peed the bed the last night we were there. Bonus! So between all that we haven't slept the whole week.
We enjoyed the pool, "japuzzi", fresh seafood. We biked down the boardwalk, played in the sand. It was fun. On one rainy day we went up to Williamsburg, and I fell in love with that area. We drove over the Cheesapeke Bay Bridge and I kept trying to imagine what awe the first settlers must have felt when they first saw the vastness of the land in front of them after months at sea.
Kevin's sister came up for a couple of days and got to sleep on the sofa bed (muahahaha). Kevin and I went out for a nice meal alone and had oysters.
Drive back home was interesting, the highlight being feeding zaiki yogurt in the parking lot of the FoodLion grocery store with a fork, because the grocery store didn't have plastic spoons and we didn't think to pack any. That night we got caught in the downpour that followed us all the way from Delaware to Jersey. After we arrived, Husband remarked that he would like to have a beer, provided we can pry his hands from the steering wheel.
Coming home was really the best part. Sleeping in our nice, big and zaiki-free bed was like heaven. I haven't slept like that in weeks. So we were really happy settling back into our routines until I got the call from the babysitter. Now we are starting from square one. But in every challenge, there is an opportunity. We'll work it out, we'll be fine. I have to remind myself about that, because today I've been vacillating between tears and panic.
Yep, our beloved babysitter/nanny quit on us. Granted, there is a very good reason and that's why there's almost no cursing in this post, but still. I'm a "little frantic". We were given a one-week notice. ONE WEEK!!!! WHAATTT???One week isn't even long enough to find a reliable landscaper, forget about someone to watch your children. So I'm very very very very upset, hurt and a feel a wee bit betrayed. Had we known this was coming, we most likely would not have gone away. But we didn't, and this is what we did during our blissfully stress-free week:
We went to Virginia Beach and stayed in a really nice place with two heated pools and hot tubs, dubbed "japuzzies" by zaiki. We learned to swim (a little bit) and to put our heads under water. We learned that Maya is terrified of the ocean and that Sonya is virtually fearless. We learned that clams are super yummy and that fighter jets flying over your head every 10 minutes for a week is difficult to get used to.
We enjoyed the pool, "japuzzi", fresh seafood. We biked down the boardwalk, played in the sand. It was fun. On one rainy day we went up to Williamsburg, and I fell in love with that area. We drove over the Cheesapeke Bay Bridge and I kept trying to imagine what awe the first settlers must have felt when they first saw the vastness of the land in front of them after months at sea.
Kevin's sister came up for a couple of days and got to sleep on the sofa bed (muahahaha). Kevin and I went out for a nice meal alone and had oysters.
Drive back home was interesting, the highlight being feeding zaiki yogurt in the parking lot of the FoodLion grocery store with a fork, because the grocery store didn't have plastic spoons and we didn't think to pack any. That night we got caught in the downpour that followed us all the way from Delaware to Jersey. After we arrived, Husband remarked that he would like to have a beer, provided we can pry his hands from the steering wheel.
Coming home was really the best part. Sleeping in our nice, big and zaiki-free bed was like heaven. I haven't slept like that in weeks. So we were really happy settling back into our routines until I got the call from the babysitter. Now we are starting from square one. But in every challenge, there is an opportunity. We'll work it out, we'll be fine. I have to remind myself about that, because today I've been vacillating between tears and panic.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
What have you been up to?
All right, I've been slacking and not keeping up with my blog. I'll try to be better at it. That's what we've been up to recently:
- Finally sleeping without pull-ups, therefore, completely and officially are BIG GIRLS
- Learned that one has to poop in the big potty, not into a little portable one (makes Mama cranky)
- Played soccer
- Tried to ride bikes and decided that it's not as much fun as sitting in the bike trailer while Papa pulls you
- Developed a sense of humor (no, really, making up song words and everything!)
- Got fancy "babysuits" (bathing suits in zaiki-speak)
- Grew tremedously
- Learned that baking cookies=cookie dough=yummy
-Turned three!!!!! A big milestone for zaiki-sized people, something that truly separates babies from big girls
As for me, I finished summer with a nice fancy trip to the emergency room on the account of low blood pressure. I'm fine now, thanks to a bag of fluids and hot food pumped into me, and off to my first teaching internship, which I am super excited about.
- Finally sleeping without pull-ups, therefore, completely and officially are BIG GIRLS
- Learned that one has to poop in the big potty, not into a little portable one (makes Mama cranky)
- Played soccer
- Tried to ride bikes and decided that it's not as much fun as sitting in the bike trailer while Papa pulls you
- Developed a sense of humor (no, really, making up song words and everything!)
- Got fancy "babysuits" (bathing suits in zaiki-speak)
- Grew tremedously
- Learned that baking cookies=cookie dough=yummy
-Turned three!!!!! A big milestone for zaiki-sized people, something that truly separates babies from big girls
As for me, I finished summer with a nice fancy trip to the emergency room on the account of low blood pressure. I'm fine now, thanks to a bag of fluids and hot food pumped into me, and off to my first teaching internship, which I am super excited about.
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