zaiki and co.: Let's All Chip In and Blame the Mother

zaiki and co.: Let's All Chip In and Blame the Mother: Even before zaiki were born, I've looked for parenting advice. I thought that there must be a formula, a set of guidelines on what to do to ...

Let's All Chip In and Blame the Mother

Even before zaiki were born, I've looked for parenting advice. I thought that there must be a formula, a set of guidelines on what to do to raise happy children. Turns out, no...After two plus years of doing it, this is my takeaway: no matter what you do, you are bound to screw up. It seems that all literature's (and some blogs' on parenting) goal is to make you feel guilty for something. Not giving enough meat, or giving meat. Sleeptraining or co-sleeping, and so on. Seems that as a mother and a human being, no matter what you do, you will somehow manage to impede your child's growth or fail to help them realize their full potential. Grrr.

Now,thanks to this book: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/We_Need_to_Talk_About_Kevin that-was-made-into-a-movie-that-just-won-big-at-London's film festival, mothers are responsible for turning their children into murderers. Lovely. The gist of it is that the boy never felt fully loved by his mother who is an emotional handicapper, and killed a bunch of people at his school and now she is writing about her guilt to her estranged husband.

So something else for mothers to fret over: are we loving our children enough, giving them unconditional love? Or are we somehow scarring them emotionally? What about self-love? Self-actualization? Common theme in parenting I come across often is "lose yourself in your children". But it's impossible. And unhealthy. Once they leave (as all children should!) to start their own life, what is left of you? Your life doesn't end when a little screaming thing is placed in your arms. Or does it?

I agree that the book and the movie both raise an important issue that is akin to a gay uncle at a fundamentalist (think Duggars-ish) family reunion: The gay uncle issue is wearing a flamboyant pink shirt with orange crocs, but everyone is trying to ignore him it as hard as they can. What if you don't love your child unconditionally? What if you don't have an instant bond with him or her? People shy away from discussing it.

The cult of "having children is the best thing that ever happened to me" is reinforced by the media who parade a score of idiotically happy new celebrity parents. Of course, if you have a full staff, don't worry about sleepless nights or changing diapers if you don't feel like it, why not enjoy your child? But this attitude of baby-bliss makes feelings of anything but drool-filled love for your children a crime. Oh, you mean you don't enjoy wiping puke off of your new shirt 15 minutes before you have to leave for work? You don't think that 2-year-old's temper tantrums are cute? Then you must not love your baby enough and he'll turn out to be a psychopath and it's-all-your-fault.

By making mother a sympathetic (but still) a villain we open the door to more maternal guilt. To things like "Oh my God, I just yelled at her for dumping her juice all over the floor (again) and put her in time out. Or slapped her bottom after she bit me hard enought to draw blood. Or anything else. Will it scar her? Do I need to find a baby-shrink ASAP?" and then beating yourself up for it for the rest of the day.

I don't think I'll read the book. Or watch the movie. I could really use some positive reinforcement for a change.

zaiki and co.: Eating healthy

zaiki and co.: Eating healthy: One of the most important mom-duties (as I see it) is feeding my children a healthy, home-cooked diet. I try to limit processed stuff and ma...

Eating healthy

One of the most important mom-duties (as I see it) is feeding my children a healthy, home-cooked diet. I try to limit processed stuff and make lots of stuff from scratch. One of my specialties this past summer due to us joining a co op and receiving an abundance  (I'm not kidding, we got a shitload!) of zucchinis, was zucchini bread. But zaiki, in a natural children fashion, refuse to eat anything that is remotely good for them unless it is carefully disguised (Kevin actually pureed a roasted eggplant and clandestinely added it into a pasta dish). We also started making them kale (yes, kale) smoothies. If you add enough bananas and blueberries to mask the taste, they don't even know it's in there. It looks a little funny, but they haven't figured out suspicious food color yet, ha!
Anyway, back to zucchinis:
Since they wouldn't eat zucchini bread, I came up with a sneaky strategy: put chocolate pudding on it and told them it's "happy cake" (cake or cookies in zaiki-speak). Well, do you know that they DEVOURED it. The photographic evidence is below. Turns out, we really like healthy stuff. If properly presented that is. :)

Chocolate lover number one

Life is sweet

Somewhat dazed chocolate lover number 2

Really focused Sonya

Tune in next week for more poop updates and Halloween fun :)

zaiki and co.: I'm done playing

zaiki and co.: I'm done playing: I didn't think it was possible to be stressed any more than we were before the car accident, but turns out our stress-bag can be further exp...

I'm done playing

I didn't think it was possible to be stressed any more than we were before the car accident, but turns out our stress-bag can be further expanded. I'm just waiting for it to burst.

Turns out I am incredibly naive: I thought that, since my car was totaled and we were left with one functioning vehicle (which in suburban NJ is a death sentence since there is no meaningful bus, train or car pool transportation, the fact that makes my head explode periodically) the insurance company will kindly pat us on the back and fork over the estimated value of the car within a couple of days, we'll take the check and hippity-hop into a sunset to buy a new (for us) beautiful car.

The reality, as usual, is ugly and cruel: it's been two weeks and we haven't seen any money yet.  All the dealerships in the area pretty much laughed at us and our budget. We were told by one sympathetic dude to look privately, because they have nothing in our price range. We were not planning on purchasing a car for another two years, when zaiki will go to school and we'll stop paying ridiculous childcare fees, so now we are effectively fucked.

So we've been looking privately. We've found a score of scams, lemons, and Polish people who can't spell.

One seller's mother saw my daughters, asked what their names were and, hearing "Maya" excitedly exclaimed: "I love that name! One of my dogs is named Maya!" before climbing into her sporty red Mercedes. Now, I don't have anything against people with money, people with dogs, or Bergen county, or Medcedes drivers, but I do have an itty-bitty thing with people comparing my children to their smelly spoiled butt-licking creatures.

Note to ya'll: if you ever compare my children to your dogs, expect an ass-whooping. It's a pet peeve of mine. Because children are NOTHING like dogs. I've had both and I can assure you of the difference most emphatically.

In addition to all this, I had a flu shot. BIG MISTAKE. I've forgotten that every year I get sick after it. This year is no different: two days after the shot, I feel like shit, my head is on fire and my body hurts. Which made taking care of the girls oh-so-fun this weekend. I should have one of the zaiki sneeze in my mouth instead, probably would have been more effective. Apparently the American flu shot vaccine is poison to my sad Russian immune system. This is a last one I get.


So right now I'm sitting in my pajamas sniffling into a napkin, shaking from the cold and the stress. Yes, I am that high-strung. I haven't been able to run and it makes me even sadder.
Today Kevin took the girls to the park so I can fully engage in self-pity right now. God, I'm done playing. Old Jewish parable (or whatever you call it) says that it could always be worse, and I know that. But I'd like a little bit of a break for us, just to be able to swim up to the surface and take a breath. I'm done playing.

zaiki and co.: That’s How the Car Accident Goes Squish! Goes the...

zaiki and co.: That’s How the Car Accident Goes Squish! Goes the...: What does Lida and a bouncy ball have in common? They both didn't see it coming…Ok, let me elaborate a little: So last week I had an awesom...