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Thursday, May 2, 2013

on becoming "THAT" person

It's been really a while since I wrote anything here. But I still like to check and scribble something in periodically just for my own amusement, my ambitions of joining the ranks of mommy bloggers fizzled gone along with my hopes for promotion and a meaningful raise at my place of employment.

So, what have we been up to? Not much and yet so much...The year flew by, summer is almost here. The girls will be 4 in June, and they are almost reading!! Reading!!! They like their school, and we like it too. The prices for childcare in this country are still appauling, but since I chose it as my home, I have to reap the consequences of my decision.

We got the girls baptized, I found a nice Russian Orthodox community, and I'm enjoying going to church with the girls. My mother is coming for the summer to zaiki-sit, so it'll be a nice relaxing (hopefully) time.

This year does not only mark positive changes, but new challenges, financial and personal. On the financial side, we are barely holding our heads above the water, but found a solution to this perpetual problem, so I guess that's good.

Personal challenges are more difficult to solve. I've always been a person who likes to be good, to do things the right way:to show up on time, do your homework, sit in the front of the classroom, that kind of deal. Over the course of this year, however, I have been slowly morphing into a person I don't recognize and don't like: I'm always late, I don't pay attention, I. JUST. DON'T. CARE. About anything. I've become so tired of struggling, forcing schedules, forcing friendships (on that in a bit), that I don't want to get up in the morning. So I became "THAT" person, you know, who everyone looks at, kinda crinkles their nose and exchanges meaningful glances with people next to them. You know the type: unhappy, quiet, distracted, harried mouse.

I haven't painted in a at least 6 months and I can't sleep without pills. I force myself to go to the gym mainly to offset crap I'm eating because I'm constantly, perpetually stressed.

At times like this a girl needs some friends. I'm lucky I have them, but in the past year it had become crystal clear who is a friend and who isn't. There is this one person who I've tried to be friends with. At first, we kinda clicked, and then it gradually became one-sided: I would call, I would invite...Almost never a reply, or "my phone was somewhere and I didn't get to it in time" excuse two days later. It didn't matter if I invited them to go to the park or my house, there's almost always a "we'll see"...And I felt so left out, wondering what was wrong with me, why am I being excluded? So I eagerly jumped each rare time we were so graciously invited in return.

One small positive side of having kids is the expansion of social circle. I became friends with some very cool like-minded people that I no longer cared about the one who repeatedly snubbed me. I also realized something: frienships shouldn't be forced. If you don't want to see someone, then just say "no, I can't". What really pissed me off were always bullshit excuses, "let's-do-this-some-other-time- call-me-laters". It's dishonest and misleading. Much like dating. I stopped calling and inviting. I chose to communicate with people who enjoy my company. As my wise Husband put it "being friends with someone shouldn't make you feel bad", and he is right, as almost always. Life is so much like high school. Oh wait, is it the other way around? :)

So back to becoming "THAT" person. In addition to my much internalized friendship drama, I had an unpleasant conversation at my place of employment about my tardiness, and that somewhat snapped me out of my haze. So, as usual, I'm pulling myself by my lazy self-loathing bottom, buckling up and making sure my rigid schedule sticks. So far, so good (it's been a few weeks, wait for the update in a month or so). :P

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