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Saturday, December 3, 2011

Oh the Joy of the Holidays or the Strange Way My Brain Works Sometimes

Oh, the holidays...Pass the eggnog, spread the joy and other stuff...

 I'm not a fan of Christmas, of obligations that it imposes on me. Plus, I'm a heathen agnostic, and the church aspect doesn't do it for me either. Why do we have to pick one month out of the year to be nice and extra thoughtful? Why all of a sudden we feel that we give a crap about poor people, have to "adopt a family" and spend lots of money on people you usually see once a year? Then go to a party and suffer through dinner, conversations that don't mean much only to come home bloaty from all the bad food you've eaten? Why all this has to be cramped INTO ONE MONTH? How about we spread the "joy" evenly over twelve months? How about we be nice to one another regularly, donate to a charity of our choice sporadically and skip the crazy holiday shopping? Hmm...

The other day in traffic during a drive home that should take only 10 minutes, but took me 30 because I pass right by a local mall on the way home, I got thinking about the holidays.

If each holiday was a person, what would it look like? I know this is a strange concept to think of, but this is coming from a girl whose coffee HAS to be the right color in order to drink it (it's the artist in me, I guess).

So here, ladies and gents, is how I see the holidays if they were people. Let's start with the summer ones:


Memorial day -- gangly, tall teenage boy who likes to party but doesn't know how yet, pale from the lack of sunshine. But the promise of good times and summer growing into itself is in the air. :)


4th of July -- drunk slutty sorority girl who is just so eager and giddy to have fun: makes herself up all pretty only to not be able to pace herself, ends up drunk in the pool and passes out right before the fireworks start. Great expectations but fails to deliver :)


Labor day - pleasant minivan mom in crocs, busy with last minute prep for the upcoming fall.

Thanksgiving is what a grandma should be: loving, welcoming, always has yummy food, loves everyone, everyone is invited, no pressure. The only thing she wants you to do is stuff your face and be happy.


Hanuka is like a strange neighbor, doesn't socialize much but you see him come and go and are dying from curiosity to see what goes on inside their house.

Christmas is a haughty, overly made up finicky female co-worker who puts together a huge party each year and you never know whether or not you'd be invited or whether or not she'll like her gift. Way too much stress.

New Year would be an unkempt, slightly drunk uncle (think chain-smoking whiskey-smelling Santa). You get together with him because there is no pressure, pleasant chit-chat, and good food.

Easter: an old lady in a pastel-colored sweater, with blue curly hair and pearls at a buffet in a family restaurant. (Maybe because of calla lillies which I firmly associate with old people and funeral homes).

I'm sure I missed one somewhere, but gotta go spread the holiday cheer. :)  Let me leave you with this: try  playing f**k, marry or kill game with the characters I've just created for ya.

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